Dreadful. Full of dread. My mind, heart and body is full of nothing but dread at this moment.
A month ago I was sitting at home preparing to bury my grandmother, enjoying the summer and living a nice life at home. Granted, I didn’t have much money, but that didn’t matter. I could get up when I wanted and spend the days doing whatever I liked.
A month later and everything is changed. It happened so quickly that now I’m not even sure how I got here. I find myself bewildered by the conundrum I am in.
Earlier this year, I got a travel job in April of this year that took me across the country to work in my given field, microbiology. I love microbiology. I have missed it immensely. Why I decided to go into aftermarket automobile part sales in 2006, I have no idea. Anyway, I had such a good time working in the lab again and hoped to travel more in the future. I met new friends, saw some sights and had a great time over all.
Now while I was in Philadelphia, I started talking to a man in England. I know, England. Go figure. Well, I was flying high and figured what the heck. He was interesting to talk to so we talked. Overtime we chatted even more and became friends. Once I got home, we talked even more than we had while I was in Philadelphia. Our conversations would last hours upon hours into the wee hours of the morning. We discussed everything from movies to books, history to biology and everything in between.
Talking to him was the highlight of my day sometimes and I worked my life around when we could talk. The more I talked to him, the more I wanted to talk to him. He was interesting. He knew things. He made me laugh.
Even though I’ve never met him, I started having feelings for him. I don’t know how or why, but I did. He appreciated it as well so we started making plans for the future. I know that makes absolute no sense at all considering we’ve never met, but for some reason it does make sense to me and since this is my story, only my opinion counts. He knows me better than I believe any man ever has and he seems to care for me. He’s been supportive of my life and career and brightens my day whenever we talk.
In five minutes earlier today, our once seemingly hopeful situation to meet later this year went from ok to downright ugly. See, during the course of our conversations, we’ve made plans for the rest of the year. He was supposed to come to NM in August and we were going to travel. Then I got a contract to AK and had to leave for three months. We discussed having him visit here. Then we thought maybe that wasn’t a good idea since Bethel is a shithole and the plane ticket just wasn’t worth the cost. Once that plan goes tossed, we thought we coule meet in Oct, go on a driving trip, visit his friends and end up back in NM. For the Christmas holiday, we were going to visit his family. Granted, all of this depended on him getting a visa to the US and on us meeting and getting along in person. I must say, I hadn’t really worried much about the visa, but more about him liking me in person. It’s not that I’m not likeable, but I sometimes worry that I’m not attractive or thin enough and we all know that everything changes when you finally meet the person you’ve been talking to and they are standing there right next to you.
Now everything changed when he went to the US embassy for a visa. They denied his visa. He wrote me a letter to tell me the bad news. He also stated that he didn’t want to talk for a while. The news of it all shocked me when I first read it. Now I’m completely heartbroken. Turns out he isn’t supposedly eligible for a visa until 2013. That’s three years away. I can hear my heart cracking and crumbling in my chest. I’m fighting back tears because there is nothing I can do to change the judgment of the US immigration office. I know there has to be a way around it, but I wonder, does it even matter to him? Or have I been acting like a complete silly heart who desperately believes in ‘happily ever after?” even though I know in my logical brain that concept doesn’t exist. I know I shouldn’t brood about this situation because I was well aware of it from the beginning. Knowledge, however, doesn’t make it hurt any less though. I know what I want and I can’t have it so my heart aches.
Now I don’t know what to do or think. I care for him and want him in my life, but I wonder, does he feel the same. Am I better off to just give up and go about my business like it never happened or do I fight for him and this relationship that may just exist in my mind. What in the hell am I supposed to do? I suppose I should just concentrate on my life in the here and now, dive into work and surviving this contract. I’m not sure though. I am so completely sad. I can’t stop thinking the worst of this situation. He’ll probably never talk to me again because this situation is bleak and saddening. I currently feel foolish for caring about him. Ouch, there goes another crack.
I think the worst of it is that I’m not even home. I’m in Bethel Alaska, also known as ‘the town no one remembers or gives a shit about’, working in a lab that should have been shut down with a head full of mucus and eyes full of tears. I can’t call my family or friends on my cell phone because there is only on cell phone carrier in this godforsaken town and believe it or not, it’s not Verizon. I can’t go anywhere because I don’t have a car. Thankfully, there isn’t anywhere fun or decent to do or see in this horrible town which in some odd way is a bit comforting. Food here is expensive so I’ve succumbed to eating whatever I can get my hands on whether it’s healthy or not which I know is terrible for my body, but gets the job done. Unfortunately, I end up feeling awful as a result and have more than likely gained weight from. Outside it’s 40 degrees, overcast, windy and rainy so I have absolutely no interest in going outside. I hate it here. Why anyone in their right mind would choose to live here is beyond me. The only nice thing I can say I like about this place is that I have a job and I’m being paid well to be here. Otherwise, I’d rather be at home with my stuff and my pets, doing what I want, having a good time and being happy.
I’ve also caught a head cold. I have pressure in my sinuses and drippy mucus galore. What fun! My body has betrayed me yet again and of course, I can’t even go to the dr. if it turns into a full blown sinus infection which it will more than likely will. I’m doing what I can to take care of it and so far it seems to be working somewhat. I still feel like shit though.
I’m emotionally wrecked and physically exhausted. I have to work every day because no one in that laboratory knows microbiology, or if they do, they refuse to do it. For the most part, I like what I am doing here. I just wish they had been up front with me regarding what they needed so I could have been better prepared for the mess I landed in. Now, I’ve been asked to ‘clean it up’ and while I want to, I also want to be paid for my services. No one gets a blow job for free from this chicky.
I’m currently sitting in my bed at the townhouse they put me up in thinking things could simply not get any worse. My heart is heavy with dread and disdain. I wish I had a magic wand so I could make everything good and happy like it was before I got here. I want my plans, dreams and desires to work out just once so my heart doesn’t grow bitter and cold like the tundra that surrounds me. I don’t want to lock my heart up again in a tower because I’m afraid of it breaking again. Aw, fuck, I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. All I know is that I simply cannot cry anymore and I don’t want to be sad.
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