Not In Control

Somedays I need to remember that some things are just out of my control.

I cannot and do not control the universe.  Sometimes I wish I could.  Today the things out of control that plague me are things like my brother and his drug addiction and my parents for enabling him and even myself for going along with said enabling because I'm 2k miles away struggling with my own issues.

Yesterday I got an email from an old neighbor from one of the other neighbors about my house in Albuquerque.   See, when I moved to New England, my brother took up residence in my house and was tasked with taking care of it and fixing it up.  Back then, I thought that this was a good idea because he had a place to stay, I had someone to watch the house and everything would be ok.  Today, I'm realizing what an epic mistake that decision was and I want to beat myself up about it because I know my brother and I know what he is capable of doing.

The email was not a good one to say the least, but it wasn't that surprising.  For the past few years, whenever I've asked about my house, my parents have always told me that 'It's fine. It's being taken care of. Don't worry about it' and variations of said lines.  Now, for the most part I haven't been worried or have been trying not to worry, but somewhere in the back of my mind I know my brother.  I know how he is. I lived with him when he was using and I know how lives.  I've met his friends and I know what sort of people he hangs out with.  He's a meth addict.  All of his friends are people who are also drug addicts or even better, drug dealers.

So it was just a matter of time before the surrounding neighbors took notice of what was going on in the house.  I guess there are people coming and going at all hours of the day.  Many unworking parked cars are sitting the driveway.  Home appliances now litter the front yard along with trash and who knows what else.  My father sent a rubbish skip so that my brother would have a place to put all the trash.  I guess that's been sitting in the front yard for over 6 months, full of trash.

*sigh*  I called the neighbor and he told me that the police have been to the house numerous times. In fact, they were just there last week and arrested some older woman. He said that his family is afraid to walk past the house because there is a pitbull that lives there and it sometimes gets out and terrorizes the neighborhood.

When I shared these stories with my father, he just brushed me off like he always does with 'Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.'  I want to roll my eyes and yell because I know nothing is going to get done.

My brother will stay there.  My father will do nothing because my mom will freak out because as much as my brother is a dirtbag and a criminal, he is still her son.  I'm in New England and there is nothing I can do from here except tell my father that I want my brother out of the house so I can sell it, as is if need be.

So that's where I am at today.  I am angry and sad and I am not in control.