A Matter of Time

Years ago when I used to party all the time, I used to go to a gay bar with my best friend because we were broke and they had the best drink deals and music in the city. We used to have so much fun dancing and partying until the wee early morning.  We never thought anything about the gay bar. The gay bar was fun!  We'd chill out with drag queens, dance with lesbians and gay men alike under flashing lights to a barrage of thumping club music.

One night an excursion to the gay bar, my brother and several of his friends walked in. I was sitting at the bar, taking a break from dancing and refreshing my drink when I looked up and saw my brother walking into the club with his friends. At first it didn't register that it was my brother, not some doppleganger who just looked like my brother.  I didn't know whether to be shocked or surprised or resigned to admit what I already knew.

My brother is gay.

Now, he was just as shocked to see me at the club and ran out the front door I believe in the hopes that I didn't see him. He wasn't ready to admit to me or anyone that he was gay, but alas, there we were.  I followed him out the door with my best friend in tow and we brought him back into the club. 

After making out way through the throng of party goers, we made our way to the back patio where it was quieter and we could talk.  Once we got out to the patio, we sat down at a table and just stared at each other for a good 5 minutes.  It was obvious that he was nervous, because he kept shifting in his seat. I didn't know what to say, but I didn't want to sit there all night, staring at my baby brother in a state of anxiety.

I said, "It's ok. I've known for a while and I'll always love you," as I held his hands and looked into his eyes.

Tears welled up in his eyes as his face twisted in relief and shame.  "How did you know?" he replied. "How could you know?"

"Because I'm your sister and I know your friends.  I've grown up with you and I have just always known."

"But....I, really, I mean, I didn't want anyone to know!" he exclaimed.

But I knew. After his great admission, we ended up sitting on a plastic patio set at the gay bar, hugging each other and crying. 

I don't know who was more relieved to have everything out in the open.  He swore me to secrecy. I promised him that his secret was safe with me until he was ready to face our parents and we went back into the bar to dance.

A few years after that, my parents discovered he was gay when they were cleaning his room after he had left for the Navy. They confronted me about it and because I didn't want to lie, I admitted that yes, he is gay and yes, I knew about it and no, I did not tell them because it wasn't my place to tell. Of course, they were angry and hurt that I wouldn't tell them, but too bad. I made a promise to my brother and did my best to keep it.

So he's gay. Big deal. He's still my brother. I will always love him. Nothing will ever change the fact that he is my brother. He could grow a second head, or turn purple with red spots and he'd still be my little brother.  Over the years, we've had fun. He was there for me when I left my husband, always making sure I had something fun to do and introducing me to his friends from the club he used to DJ at in West Palm Beach. He used to invite me to parties and he never judged me on my bad behaviour.

Now time has past and  he's had a rough time with his life. He's had very few lasting relationships. He's gotten involved in drugs. He's lived with me and been kicked out numerous times. He's engaged in some very risky behaviour. He's still my brother though.

Today while talking to my mother, the subject of my brother came up. She was relaying to me that he's been to the VA and had his blood work done. He has high cholesterol, just as all us Camilli's do, and he is working on getting healthy and clean from meth.  I, being a microbiologist, asked her about his HIV status.

The phone went dead silent and again, I knew. 

"Mom, he's HIV positive, isn't he?"

"Well, yeah, he only just found out and he's super depressed about it. He doesn't want to tell you and you aren't supposed to know so don't say anything to him or your father."

"BUT mom!!  I can help him!  I know all the places for him to get help and ...dammit!  Why didn't you guys tell me?  SHIT, why didn't HE tell me?"

"He doesn't want to tell you, so don't say anything!  Please don't say anything"

Again I find myself sworn to secrecy and I am not happy about it, but I understand. I will wait for him to come to me and share his secret when he is ready. I will comfort him, give him advice and help him in whatever capacity he wants me to.

My brother is HIV positive.

It was just a matter of time.