A New Year...A New Me

Over the holidays after spending some time with one of my best friends and her family (one member imparticular), I came to the conclusion that something in my life needed to change. I wasn't sure what that 'thing' was, but I knew it needed to change and in a big way. I was so happy over the holidays and then suddenly I wasn't. I felt that someone had depants me and I wasn't wearing any underwear! It was nuts! I didn't know what was bothering me exactly.

One day, I mostly figured it out. It's me. I have not been happy with myself in a long time because I've felt that I am a complete failure in pretty much everything I do or touch. I've felt alone, unloved and unwanted in my day-to-day life. I've struggled with this for the past few years, but never really acknowledged it fully and completely. Yes, I have been in denial, what a fun place to be. I've allowed myself to get really fat which didn't help matters and my career, well, it's hit a huge stall.

So my question to myself was: Am I a failure? In my own eyes, am I really? What is it about me that makes me feel this way? Is this feeling caused by something inherent in my brain or body? Or is it the result of the way that people have treated me? AND What, if there is anything, can I do about it?

After a few weeks of some introspective meditation and thought, I've realized that it's not me, per se, but the way I react to others around me. I beat myself up when people are not nice to me, or ignore me. I take it too personally when I should just blow them off. I've also been taking a long time to get over my last real job which nearly put me in the nut house. All of the other symtoms, such as the weight and the total unhappiness from the last two years, have just been lingering around to torment me.

WELL no more! I've had it with that crap! It's a new year, a new me. I'm in grad school. I'm teaching college. I'm making huge drastic changes to everything in my life. EVERYTHING is going to change, most of all ME!

For example, no longer am I going to worry about my career. So there's been a stall. Oh well. The goddess obviously wants me to have this time off to work on my research and my home. One of the benefits is I get to work out and eat and pretty much do what I want.

Also, the weight issue. It's my own fault for gaining all this weight so why beat myself up about it any more? I'm going to the gym, I've started to eat LC and voila! 20lbs GONE!! My ass is finally shrinking!! I'm also happier and have more energy than I have in years.

Another part of my life that's going to change is my friends. There are some out there that I would take a bullet for and then there are some that are just acquaintances. You know, the ones that you talk to every so many months, that you've never met and what not. Once upon a time, they were very important, but now not so much so. I'm not going to concentrate on whether they talk or write to me any more (because honestly, they haven't been). I'm also not going to put alot of effort into staying in contact with them. I figure, why should I put in any effort when they don't.

I'm going to concentrate on the good things, the good people, and the goodness around me. So far...so good *snort*

Overall, the new plan is working.
New Year...New Me.

The blogs from here on out are going to be about my personal journey with my weightloss, grad school and what not!!

Sonrie'!