It's 5am est and I'm awake, sitting in my bestfriend's home and thinking. Thinking about the last few weeks and how wonderfully crazy and terribly sad they've been.
Working in Philadelphia was a pleasure despite the transportation issues and the strikers. Being on the east coast was a joy. Making new friends across the whole country has been a pure blessing. I want to travel full time now as a result and by the looks of it, I just may very well get my wish.
Coming to Virginia to see my bestfriend and her family has been good and bad. Seeing her and the baby have been nothing but complete happiness for me. Her husband and family situation however...well let's just say that my momma taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything so that's what I'm doing. The point is, however, I am leaving early..nearly a week and a half early because I simply cannot stand what is going on here in this household between them.
So I'm up early today, counting down the minutes until I get to the Richmond, VA airport. I'll have to wait a bit before I get on my plane, but I look forward to some solace that can only be found when one is no longer bound by a false sense of duty or guilt to the people we love and care about. It's not that I don't care, but that I do care. I care enough to get myself out of harms way and avoid a battle that isn't mine to fight.
I want nothing more than to see my bestfriend and her son be cared for and loved in the way that they deserve to be. I want the baby to grow up with good healthy parents. I want my bestfriend to be married to a man who doesn't feel it's necessary to manipulate and put her down all the time because he's insecure and frightened like a little boy. My list of wants and desires goes on and on, but to no avail. There is nothing I can do here to change this situation for her. I feel bad that I cannot help more or fix her problems. I want to do more, but I can't and I know I can't so I have to leave. We had plans for me to stay until the end of next week, but I just can't...or won't or even want to without running the risk of becoming sad and depressed or blowing up and yelling at someone.
I've been here 6 days and I've been cooking, cleaning and helping out with the baby. Mind you, I did this all willingly and have no regrets about it. This is, however, supposed to be my vacation. It's strange because I haven't really rested or stopped moving since I got here. Some vacation, huh? I know it hurts her that I am leaving because she doesn't have anyone else and she's really depressed right now, but that doesn't make it my responsibility to make things better. I can't make things better and I know that. In some ways, I feel the only reason they, or he rather, want me to stay is so I can 'help out' with the baby and the household and what not. When I put it in that terms, it pisses me off and hurts my feelings.
I want to be there for my friend, but at the same time, I refuse to be a doormat because her husband wants a 'break' from being a responsible adult eg taking care of her and the baby. He even had the gaul to ask me to 'help him' last night by staying and offered to buy me a new plane ticket. Seriously, wtf? It took all the power in my soul and strength not to go off on him right then and there. How can he not see what is going on here? and why is he asking ME for help? Why doesn't he help himself? Why doesn't he stop shirking all responsibilities on the others around him? Why can't he see or why doesn't he care about what his wife or children need?
Because he's a selfish son of a bitch who really only cares about himself. Ok..maybe that was low, but it's true. He really only wants me to stay because my being here makes her happy...and if someone else is making her happy, he is off the hook and has no responsibility to make her happy. I also help with the baby which is another responsibility he can ignore...Oh I could go on and on....Thank GOD I am going home.
yes, I am leaving and no, it is not negotiable at this point and NO I don't want to discuss the reason I am leaving with him because it will not change a thing and I know that.
So I am leaving with a heavy heart...I wish I could change it, but I can't.
*sigh* Just a few more hours....a few more hours....
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