Home Again

So I’m home now. I am finally home after three months in the tundra and as much as I’m happy to be here, my heart longs to be somewhere else entirely. I have no idea where that place is, but I know it exists somewhere.

I got home on the 16th of October to a lot of turmoil. I had no idea what I was coming home to but I knew I needed to get home. Something in my mind and body was telling me “GET HOME NOW”.

So here I am. I am currently sitting on my lovely bed, drinking the best coffee in the world, typing on my laptop while surrounded with three of my four kitties. It’s a beautiful thing.

Now what did I come home to anyway? Well, my mother took it upon herself to go through everything in my house, organize and rearrange everything I own. Why she decided to do such an insane thing, I’m not completely sure but I believe it has something to do with my housekeeping abilities which have never been up to her standards. Now when I walked into the house after a 20 hour travelling extravaganza, I exclaimed “OMG, who lives here?” As a result of my reaction when I came into the house that day, my mother and I are no longer speaking to each other. She was trying to ‘help’ me and I was unthankful for everything she did. I swear it wasn’t that I was unthankful, but more that I knew once I started to look around with greater detail, I wouldn’t be able to find a thing. Still nearly two weeks later, I cannot find a thing and feel like crying every time I open a cabinet or go into my sewing room to make something.

Because of the fight we got into and subsequent failure to communicate, my mother decided to cancel both my birthday dinner and thanksgiving. That’s right….my own mother doesn’t want to celebrate my birthday because SHE is hurt.

Another problem I came home to was my brother. Now, normally when I am here he’s not a problem. He knows better than to ask me if he can stay here because he is a destructive drug addict and I won't have that element in my life or home. While I was away however, he decided to hit my mother up, give her some story about how he had been kicked out of another house and manipulate her into letting him stay here. See, he’s been trying to move back in with me for months now and I wouldn’t have it.

Well, my mother being who she is, let him stay here while I was gone. I found out all about this happening while I was still in Alaska and I must say, I was not at all happy about it. I had a chat with my dad about this before I got back because no one told me for two weeks that he was here. I have a feeling neither one of my parents told me about it because they know my position regarding my brother. I told my father my brother had to leave. Why they let him stay here is beyond me.

Wouldn’t you know it though, I came home and he had barely moved out again. He got so angry because he was asked to leave again even though he hadn’t talked to me and decided to mess with my office computer to get back at me. As a result of his vindictive nature, my office computer is majorly screwed up now and I have no idea how I am going to fix it.

Then he had the audacity to come over that same night when I was beyond upset and plea his case to stay. I was so tired and exhausted I said “Ok, maybe for a few days”.

A few days turned into a week and things seemed to be ok until I found drugs in my house. That’s right, he had gotten complacent and left his illegal drugs out where I would find them which meant I had to throw him out again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to throw him out for that crap. Honestly though, he never should have been allowed back in the house ever. Had I been here, it wouldn’t have been an issue, but alas, I wasn’t here.

So I’m home finally, but I wish I wasn’t. I don’t know how I am going to reclaim this home and make it mine again. The sad part is, I’m not sure I even want to at this point since I was planning on selling it and moving next year.

But where will I go? Earlier this year, I was planning on moving back east to start my PhD. That plan changed and later on, I was looking forward to moving to England. Well, it would appear that now that plan has to be scrapped too. I was so looking forward to that plan though.

See, my ‘boyfriend’ has been out of contact with me for pretty much the whole month because he’s ‘busy’ working on his thesis. Part of me understands this and supports what he’s doing whole heartedly, but another part is wondering if that was just a ruse to ‘get rid of me’ without saying to my face “I don’t want you anymore”. I’ve had one text from him all month and deep down I know it’s probably over so I should move on and let him go, but I am struggling with doing that. I know what is in my heart and I do love him dearly, but if it’s so easy for him to just disappear, why am I wasting my time? I think I’ve written him 2 or 3 letters all month, giving him support and leaving him be, but he’s not responded and I feel like an idiot for bothering.

Some of my friends say he’ll be back because he loves me and I shouldn’t worry. Other friends are saying, oh he’s gone, move on and be done with it. I’m torn between these two camps and every day, I teeter between the two. Some days my faith and love for him is so strong and I know he’ll be back without a doubt. Other days, I feel he’ll never be back and I am a fool for even giving him one moment of my thoughts or energy. All I do know is that the silence is deafening.

So who knows what’s going to happen now. I’m home and my brother is out of my house. I don’t know what to do about my house. I’ve started working out at the gym a lot because in some ways I have nothing else better to do and I’m so used to going to work every day that I have to get out of the house and do something.

I might be headed back to Bethel for a few more months, but even that I’m not sure of. I’ve been sleeping a lot but I’m still so tired and bewildered most days that I don’t know what to do with myself. I know all of this too shall pass, but I wish it would move quicker than it is right now.