Why do I even bother?

I swear. I didn't do it to be mean. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone except me because at the end of the day, I knew I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

Why bother with love if when it comes down to it, all it does is make you cry? All I do is love and again, I am alone.

People shouldn't come back into my life when they are not ok with themselves and their lives are not ok. I didn't ask to be found. I am not the one that was looking up ex's on the internet. I don't do that because they are ex's for a reason. I've gotten over my past and moved on. For some odd reason though, once in a while, one of them will surface and goddamn it. It's exciting and fun until reality sets in. Reality always wins.

So what now? I can't remember crying this much over anyone in years and I am so going to kick my own ass about it later. This shouldn't mean a goddamn thing to me, yet it does. Why? WHY does it matter and why cannot I NOT stop crying about it? He left me once and I got over it then. Why cry about him leaving now? I know I deleted him, but he has no business being in my life since he doesn't have time for me and his life is a hot mess which is none of my business. He needs to heal and get through his hot mess without draggin my happy ass into it. I cannot with a clear conscious be part of that if we are ever to be together (which is a wonderful moot point right now). Am I the only idiot that sees that?

I was only trying to get out of the way of his mess because I do care. WHY do I care? I shouldn't, but I do.

I know what I want and it's not table scraps such as a bone once in a while when it's convenient for him. I guess that was just too much to ask for.